a weak runner

I see my self as a weak runner since as long as I can remember. Weak because, I’m horrible in pacing and most of the time felt intimidated by any sort of competitions. Weak because, physically I do have a weak knee that sorts of run in the family (father side).

I just turn 24 last Thursday. No celebration, I didn’t get drunk as I planned to and no gifts apparently. Sad, huh? Yeah, it is sad, but life’s goes on, fair enough.  As I don’t really linger much, I tried to take some time to contemplate about things, the usual stuff : Life, Love, Dreams. Interestingly enough, as I lay on the bed  today trying to figure out what is what and what is what not I felt that I am on the right path and there is really nothing to worry about. All I need to do is just carry on.

My thought was suddenly distracted towards JC. JC is the guy I’ve been consistently seeing for the past couple of months. And, knowing him makes me think that his Mother have really done a wonderful job in raising him. I don’t know his mother personally, but I really salute her. Raising a boy to be a man with common sense does not come easy. Your mother is a great human being JC. Bless her.

Alright, anyhow, I am currently in the last phase of this pursuit of master degree. I’ll be presenting next week. Wednesday. Interestingly enough, I feel nonchalant. EEK. What on earth is happening to me? I feel like I am running a race and I am now really close to the finish line, but I am already out of breath and couldn’t push myself any further (or, rather doesn’t want to). What is going on with me?

I hope tomorrow will be a better day. I have no choice but to finish this. After all I NEED to move on with my life.

10 things that always makes me feel better

1. Brushing my teeth.

2. Sitting or laying on the grass.

3. A museum visit on a quiet day.

4. A big big bear hug.

5. Cleaning the room and doing laundry.

6. Beaches.

7. Heights.

8. Swimming.

9. Spicy foods.

10. Traveling.

ever felt like…

everything is just a big joke, yet you are not laughing?

reality check: there is a strong possibility that you took things way to seriously.

that’s what i said, not what i mean

I find relationship is a funny-ha-ha thing. It comes in so many shapes and sizes and colors and specification. Troubleshoot? Definitely, maybe.. most likely. My experience in having a relationship have made me come to this particular hypothesis: “how a relationship will function; it all boils down to really how well you have been communicating with yourself first and then of course others. “

To communicate, is really something you learn over and over again. People might be inclined to think they don’t have a problem saying what they feel or think, however that’s not always the case. The problem lies in two aspects, 1) fail to recognize the true feeling, 2) stumbling upon words and 3) well pretty much these people are not in the same wave length. Of course communication is never easy and it is a highly complex multi-layered matter. Hence, being perplexed is simply inevitable. We really just have to deal with it.

Back to relationship. Sometimes I felt that some people ‘in’ a relationship aren’t really ‘in’ it, a decent status on Facebook doesn’t really do much apart from the fact that you are making yourself ‘unavailable’. This idea of ‘in a relationship’ attachment are not only vague but also alienating, I mean really, what does attachment means anyway? I’ve seen too many relationship based on insecurities, delusion, blind faith, guilt and inferiorities that its just plain sad, its legit but sad nonetheless.

An decent relationship involves a space to reflect about yourself. You must not be in a situation where you are pretty much lingers on shits that happens. A person needs to love their own self enough before getting attached with anyone. Happiness lies within and not out there.

Worrier Princess

I am.

My dad called just now, after quite a while. The usual, he wanted to know whether his only daughter is doing alright. The usual, I said, I am doing alright, stressed out about the thesis. Expected, I said I worry about things, about what I am going to do after all this.

Fuck, I am a freaking worrier. I have to repeat to myself ‘One by one’ and just ‘Flow like the water’ and of course just to make it worse I just have to add it with ‘You can do it’ and ‘You’ll be just fine!’ over and over again..